It Ain't Easy Eating Green

A VEGAN ODYSSEY

Saturday, July 29, 2006

My first post in FOREVER!

Wow, it's been so long since I last posted!

I'm really sorry for neglecting the site, my loyal, loyal readers. Things have been a little busy, that's all.

"What's been keeping you so god damned busy!?"

Easy now! All in good time, all in good time. I'd have to say the number one reason I've been neglecting the site so much is because Tre, my beloved boa constrictor, passed away.

A couple of people here had bets riding on when this would happen, saying that Tre's vegan diet would be the end of him. But you were wrong! It was a horrible tragedy, though: I had taken Tre outside with me so he could sun himself on our back lawn, when my idiot father whipped around the corner of the house on his riding lawn mower and ran him over! Tre's blood was hosed all over me. I screamed and started slapping and hitting my Dad, but he quickly pinned me to the ground and punched me in the mouth, telling me to get ahold of myself.

It was the lowest moment of my life, no question about it. Dad was drinking a beer when he was on the mower, so I called the police on him and tried to get him convicted on some sort of charge. They just laughed at me.

I quit my campus job. Sort of. I was so depressed at first that I didn't show up for over a week. They knew how much my snake meant to me, but said that I didn't have to worry about coming in to work anymore.

So I'm unemployed and totally miserable. I've spent the last couple of months in my room, playing Final Fantasy and Resident Evil 4 on my PS2. I like being in control.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

A Humorous Video about the kinds of annoyances we Vegans have to deal with! Haw haw

Most Non-Vegans are SO stupid!

Sunday, April 09, 2006

I've Disabled the Anonymous Comments

I know what you're going to say, so don't even bother. "Preston, I would have thought a guy like you would try and promote free speech!"

Yeah, I'm for free speech -- but I also believe that if you want to speak your mind, you should have enough guts to let others know who you are! You're just a fucking coward, otherwise. Every day there are dozens of anonymous comments on my blog, and nearly every fucking one of them is saying the same thing.

"Preston, you're an idiot!"

"This has inspired me. I offer a haiku." (This guy's a fucking pathetic clown.)

Scroll through any one of the comment sections and you'll see a total of about 3 registered users: Meatlover Skillet, Dally Llama and Argus.

You people are no better than the Klu Klux Klan, who hide behind their veils of anonymity, attacking those you KNOW are better than you.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Saturday, April 8, 2006

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It's been a few days since my last update, so here I am, writing one up.

Tre, my snake, remains very happy and healthy. He's currently relaxing on the warming rock in his aquarium. I gave him another small chunk of tofu today and he eagerly gobbled it up. I honestly don't understand how you people can be so naive about his diet. "Snakes are carnivores!" you constantly say. "CARNIVORES! CARNIVORES!"

How many of you actually own a snake?

None? Yeah, that's what I thought.

Fed a snake?

Same answer? Ha! Figures.

I hate to break it to you, but you're wrong -- Tre is a vegan. I watched (in disgust) as my co-worker, the "snake lover," demonstrated how to properly feed mice to him, by the way. (I told him nothing of my intentions.) Tre seemed quite disinterested in the meal, which leads me to believe that he never really cared for rodent meat. (Who would, with all the smelly, dried turds still lodged in their rectums!?) He enjoys the tofu, though! It's clear that he prefers it to flesh.

Yes, Tre is doing great. I, however, have had a lousy start to the weekend.

One of the waitresses at work was really pissing me off today. Julie. She's this ugly bitch with a fat ass. She's fat all over, actually. Not "obese fat," but one of those overweight chicks who "thinks she's all that," if I can borrow a phrase that's below me. You've seen her kind, I'm sure. She's got the standard blonde hair dye which probably makes her think she's automatically attractive to guys. And she's also has bad skin, so she tries to cover it up by caking on the makeup. It was probably tested on chimpanzees, too. The dumb whore. I take comfort in the fact that it probably made them look a hell of a lot better than she does.

Anyhow, aside from having disgusting looks, she has a disgusting attitude. Everything that comes out of her mouth is bitter or sarcastic. She loves to antagonize. About half way through my shift, a couple of people I recognized from my Philosophy class came into the bar and sat down. A chick named Brittany (no, not my ex), and some other dude whose name I don't know. The guy's a real wino, though, and drinks like a fish every time he's in there --- the cheap table wine we make people pay through the nose for. The two of them ordered some beef samosas and when Julie went to toss them in our oven, she put an extra one in, saying, "You haven't eaten yet, have you, Preston?"

She knows I'm a vegan. The bitch.

"Very funny, Julie."

"I'm only looking out for you, Preston," she said, trying her best to hide her mocking tone. "You look so malnourished! You're skin and bone!"

Holy fuck, did I want to smack her! Of course I didn't, though. I just gave her a "Holy fuck, do I want to smack you!" look and did my best to ignore her for the rest of the shift. Kind of difficult in such tight quarters, though.

I should try and get her fired somehow.

- Preston

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

My Snake, Tre, Sends his Regards

"Doin' fine, everbody!"

-Tre

You see? Straight from the horse's mouth, so to speak.

If you're new to this blog and too lazy to scroll down a few inches to my previous post, I'll update you on what has happened:

A few weeks ago, my psychotic neighbor decided to kick the living shit out of my beloved dog, Marx. He didn't kill him, but he messed him up bad enough to make my (equally psychotic) father take him to the vet, where he had him "put to sleep." For the next little while I was very depressed. Eventually I entertained the idea of getting a new dog, but, after checking out the pet store and kennel, I was unable to locate a suitable replacement. So I decided to switch gears altogether and get myself a pet snake. And as you have probably realized by now, I am a very opinionate person, so I got one without delay! A pet Boa Constrictor, I named Tre (after the lead singer of the legendary band Phish. You haven't heard them?! Then by all means, go and listen! I was fortunate enough to see them live twice, by the way!)

So anyway, Tre has proven to be a great snake. He's docile, affectionate (sort of), and quite small for a Boa. Yeah, yeah, I realize he'll get bigger, but I don't want him to. He's such a cute size right now.

In my last post I mentioned that I wasn't going to be feeding Tre meat. I'm sorry, but I simply can't bring myself to purchase dead mice and rats for him. I will not finance that kind of organized slaughter when there are other perfectly healthy options are available. Tre will be given a steady diet of tofu. He has already shown quite a liking for it, and has eaten two golf ball-sized chunks. For some bizarre fucking reason, the idiots who commented on my last post (yes, I'm looking in your direction, Liz!) think that a snake is an obligate carnivore and cannot survive on anything but the flesh of other animals. How wrong you are --- how WRONG you are!

First, a little lesson. This is tofu:

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Mother of GOD, that looks delicious!

And now some real hard-hitting proof that pets love Tofu! The following pictures are of Mr. Hampster:

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"What the fuck is that? It smells delicious!"

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"Mmmm! It is delicious! NEVER feed me sunflower seeds again!"

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"Mfffm---fweed me mowuh!! MOWUH!!"

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"If you ever stop feeding me this, I will kill you."

And there you have it. Conclusive proof that I am right. But who, aside from a few of you morons, was ever in doubt of me being right? I'm always right. What's that you say? That's not a snake, but a hampster? So? So far, Tre has shown me that he ALSO likes tofu!

Hell, if it's good enough for me and other vegans, why isn't it good enough for a snake? I don't eat meat and I'm perfectly healthy, and the same will be true for Tre! Aside from the tofu, you'll be happy to know that I've been giving him B-12 suppliments. He wouldn't eat the pills on his own, so I ground them up using a mortar and pestle, added water and then administered them with a slender turkey baster. Boom! A month's worth in one go!

And now a word to my supporters: thank you for stopping by and not judging me. I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

To my detractors: eat my fibrous shit! I mean that from my bottom.

- Preston out! (Muthafuckas!)

I looovvvvvvvvvvve being right. WOOT!

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Presssssssston's Back

Hey Everybody.

Sorry I haven't posted anything for such a long time. I wish I could tell you I've been doing some exciting stuff, but that would be a lie. I've been pretty bored lately. Depressed, actually. The Spring weather always seems to do that to me. I don't find winter to be as bad, because I kind of just hibernate, you know? But Spring is difficult to avoid. You don't really have an excuse to be a shut-in.

Spring is kind of like Christmas, in the sense that you're pretty much expected to be happy. 'Tis the season to be jolly, and all that. Says who!? Who says I have to be jolly? People's cheery moods aren't dictated by the calendar months. Well... a lot of people would like it if that were the case... but it's not true. Spring starts everything over like clockwork, and it doesn't care if you want to tag along or not. You're going, regardless.

Usually I come around, though. Once the market opens up, it really gets me back in to the swing of things. There are few spring and summer activities I like more than going to the market and buying all kinds of organic vegetables. The farmers there grow the best corn. Each golden kernel is just bursting with sweetness. Sometimes I feel like I'm tasting the sunshine it took to grow them, they're so good. Yeah, man. Corn really energizes me when I need energizing. I also love snow peas. I've made some great salads with those! I think they're the greenest of the green vegetables. The bursts of cool flavor they give taste like the essence of the green vegetable! Definitely a top shelf item in Nature's candy store. Artichokes... Asparagus... Bell Peppers... Man, I'm making myself hungry!

That reminds me, actually: I've got to feed my new pet snake! He's a Boa Constrictor, and he's around a foot and a half in length. I can never get him to stretch out straight enough to get an accurate measurement. His name is Tre.

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File Photo - Chosen for its similarity to my snake, Tre.

After Marx's death, I thought about getting another dog, but it just didn't seem right. I went to the pet store and the Humane Society to take a look at some, but they didn't look like friends to me -- they looked like replacements. I don't think any dog will ever be able to replace Marx.

But maybe a snake will! Tre's fucking awesome! I thought they wouldn't be able to show affection, but they really do! I was surprised. I keep Tre's aquarium next to my bed, and sometimes I'll take him out when I'm reading and just lay him on my chest. He likes to coil up right above my heart (I guess it's warm?) and enjoy the rise and fall of my breathing. Such a cute little guy.

I got a good deal on him, too. Some guy I work with raises snakes and I only had to pay him forty bucks for Tre. I look at it as a rescue, actually. The dude's got dozens of the things, which leads me to believe that he's neglecting them like crazy. Maybe "neglect" isn't the right word. He obviously tends to them enough to keep them alive, but if you have that many animals, you're not going to be able to share your love with all of them. The guy's so fucking cruel sometimes, too. He tells me how he feeds them meat! Eugh. He feeds a lot of them live mice! How fucking cruel and disgusting is that!? Luckily, Tre won't be subjected to that kind of injustice any longer, as he has taken to the tofu I've been feeding him very well.

My Dad was angry when I brought Tre home. I didn't tell him I'd be getting a snake. (Snakes freak him the hell out, by the way. Hmm. Maybe I subconsciously gravitated towards a pet snake, knowing that it would piss my Dad off?) Not that he'd have the balls to do anything, but I'm going to make sure he stays away from Tre. I'm getting a deadbolt for my bedroom door. It'll probably cost me an arm and a leg, since I'll have to hire a contractor to install it, but it'll be worth it in the long run. Total security!

Anyhow, I need to get to bed. Exams soon. Sleep... study... sleep...

Peace.

-Preston

Friday, March 24, 2006

Banned from the Vegan Freaks Forum --- Again!

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Hello, my fellow vegans (and meat-eating stalkers).

Today I registered yet again on the Vegan Freak message board. I just wanted to see what they'd do, you know? I figured that if I wasn't verbally abusive towards anyone, they'd be okay with me being there. "Don't forget, Preston," I said to myself. "These people are among the most open-minded people on the internet!"

So I registered on a different computer using a different e-mail address. All I needed was a new username that wouldn't arouse too much suspicion. After a few minutes, I thought of one -- Preston II. It was perfect!

So, like the last time I registered, my first post was in the "Introductions" forum. I whipped up a message saying that I was excited to be a member of their site and how I was looking forward to getting to know everybody. Of course, I provided a link to my blog and then clicked "submit."

"What a cheery post, Preston!" I said to myself. "They'd have to be real jerks to kick you out for being cheery, wouldn't they?" (Yes, I talk to myself. So what?)

And sure enough, I was banned within minutes for doing absolutely nothing wrong on the forum -- just as before.

Reason: Go away, Preston.
Date the ban will be lifted: Never.

I can't get over how stupid these people are. I can understand why they'd want to ban guys like Meatloverskillet or Argus, who might register on a site like that simply to tell everyone off -- but what did I do? Honestly!? I went on that site and had the audacity to suggest that the canines in our jaws were meant for meat! Oh my god!! You should have seen how they reacted! They didn't even entertain the possibility! (Pfft. "Possibility.")

In case you didn't read my post the last time they banned me, the reason they gave was, "Don't talk shit about us and expect to be welcome here." My "shit talking" was the title of a post here: "Preston Educates some (stupid) Vegans." OoOoooOoh!! How offensive! Ban that guy! BAN HIM!!!

You know what, Vegan Freaks? You're a bunch of fucking retards! I'm going to keep coming back to your forum, and there's nothing you can do to stop me! Ha ha ha ha! Want to ban me? Go ahead! I'll just register again and again, and I'll get others to do the same! In fact, you had better start selling canned meat or something, because it's going to be Spam-central unless you reconsider banning me! FASCISTS!!

I'm also working on a nice little comic about this situation. I'm sure you will all enjoy it, since I'm featured prominently in it. Oh and what I do is... comical! Haw haw haw haw haw!! Get it? Comic? Comical?

Okay, that's it for now.

- Preston out