It Ain't Easy Eating Green


Sunday, February 19, 2006

My (lousy) Introductory Post

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Hey everybody.

That's me in the above photo. My name is Preston.

Okay, a little about myself. You could say that this first post is like my mission statement of sorts. I care about the Earth, Mother Earth, and everything on her. And I am disgusted how modern man has violated the pristine green that once grew from sea to sea.

Let me explain: My parents are successful pricks who ignore everything I'm passionate about, and think they can buy my love my giving me as much money as I want and letting me drive their BMWs and vintage muscle cars. But screw them. Seriously. What kind of a "treat" is driving these gas-guzzlers supposed to be when they KNOW I'm passionate about the environment? Because God, they don't get me at all.

Sometimes I just want to crash one of those cars into a tree. That way, when my parents have to peel me from the bark, they'll have some understanding of how close to nature I wanted to be in life. And - don't remind me of the irony of ruining a tree with a gas-guzzler, I'm way ahead of you. I said that on purpose: the scope of my rage is so vast that I would contemplate destroying something I love out of my own frustration. Kind of like how Anakin ended up losing Padme in Star Wars III this summer.

That would be one poetic death, I tell you. Not only would I send a big "fuck you" to my dad by wrecking his car, but my blood would nourish that tree's growth. And that's the whole point -- with death, there is life; and with life, there is death. I am so deep... I wish I were a tree sometimes. On that, I'm dead serious. I envy them.

But seriously, I would never kill myself. I just talk big sometimes.

Anyway, I'm a vegan, which means I refuse to eat anything that comes from animals. I mean, if you were an animal, would you want people eating you or wringing at your tits for the milk that was meant for your own hungry offspring? Hell, what am I talking about!? We're ALL animals. We just happen to be -- and, I sincerely doubt this sometimes -- the "most intelligent" animals on Earth. So I ask you again, but a little differently: fellow ANIMAL -- how would you feel if your flesh was cut from your bones and packaged into luncheon meat? Not too good, I'll wager. SO STOP EATING ANIMALS, YOU BASTARD! I know it's harsh, and I shouldn't label people. But again - when it comes to my impulses to protect the environment, sometimes I say too much.

What else can I tell you in this intro here...hmm. I'm a member of Green Peace. I have a vegan girlfriend named Brittany. I enjoy cooking, dancing, and bands like Phish, and have an extensive literary education. Lucky for me, my parents also funded my post-secondary education. Thanks, mom. Thanks, dad. I hope I didn't offend or scare anyone with this initial post. I know it's aggressive, but in today's world, you have to make serious statements in order to be taken seriously.

I look forward to seeing you all again, soon.




At 4:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

No wonder your such a asshole, mommy and daddy paid for everything. Never had a hard day in your life. And Phish fucking suck!!!!!!!!!!!


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