It Ain't Easy Eating Green

A VEGAN ODYSSEY

Friday, March 24, 2006

Banned from the Vegan Freaks Forum --- Again!

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Hello, my fellow vegans (and meat-eating stalkers).

Today I registered yet again on the Vegan Freak message board. I just wanted to see what they'd do, you know? I figured that if I wasn't verbally abusive towards anyone, they'd be okay with me being there. "Don't forget, Preston," I said to myself. "These people are among the most open-minded people on the internet!"

So I registered on a different computer using a different e-mail address. All I needed was a new username that wouldn't arouse too much suspicion. After a few minutes, I thought of one -- Preston II. It was perfect!

So, like the last time I registered, my first post was in the "Introductions" forum. I whipped up a message saying that I was excited to be a member of their site and how I was looking forward to getting to know everybody. Of course, I provided a link to my blog and then clicked "submit."

"What a cheery post, Preston!" I said to myself. "They'd have to be real jerks to kick you out for being cheery, wouldn't they?" (Yes, I talk to myself. So what?)

And sure enough, I was banned within minutes for doing absolutely nothing wrong on the forum -- just as before.

Reason: Go away, Preston.
Date the ban will be lifted: Never.

I can't get over how stupid these people are. I can understand why they'd want to ban guys like Meatloverskillet or Argus, who might register on a site like that simply to tell everyone off -- but what did I do? Honestly!? I went on that site and had the audacity to suggest that the canines in our jaws were meant for meat! Oh my god!! You should have seen how they reacted! They didn't even entertain the possibility! (Pfft. "Possibility.")

In case you didn't read my post the last time they banned me, the reason they gave was, "Don't talk shit about us and expect to be welcome here." My "shit talking" was the title of a post here: "Preston Educates some (stupid) Vegans." OoOoooOoh!! How offensive! Ban that guy! BAN HIM!!!

You know what, Vegan Freaks? You're a bunch of fucking retards! I'm going to keep coming back to your forum, and there's nothing you can do to stop me! Ha ha ha ha! Want to ban me? Go ahead! I'll just register again and again, and I'll get others to do the same! In fact, you had better start selling canned meat or something, because it's going to be Spam-central unless you reconsider banning me! FASCISTS!!

I'm also working on a nice little comic about this situation. I'm sure you will all enjoy it, since I'm featured prominently in it. Oh and what I do is... comical! Haw haw haw haw haw!! Get it? Comic? Comical?

Okay, that's it for now.

- Preston out

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

"Preston"

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When I was younger, I was the only Preston in school. I was made fun of by the other kids because I didn't have a "normal" name like them.

"Say 'here' when your name is called, children!" the teacher would say.

"Josh?" ... "Here!"
"Chris?" ... "HERE!"
"Scott?" ... "Here!"
"Jordan?" ... "Present!" (Class snickers)
"Preston?" (Class snickers some more)

"What kind of name is THAT?" one of the kids would always ask. They never got tired of that one.

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I didn't know any other Prestons. Not one. Nowadays, though, I'm seeing the name everywhere! For instance, I got a letter in the mail the other day about a record convention, and it's going to be held on Preston Street!

And while I was some store the other day, a mother kept calling, "C'mere, Preston!" to her son.

And someone told me a while ago that Britney Spears named her kid Preston or something!?

Insanity!

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It's funny, becuase I grew up hating my unusual, nerdy name because it was unpopular -- but now that it is popular, I hate it even more!

But whadda ya gonna do, right?

I was born a Preston and I will die a Preston.

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- PRESTON!

(That's right, I'm proud)

Monday, March 20, 2006

Vengeance

Last night I updated the blog while I was half asleep. It was a quick post about how I got back at my neighbor for inflicting wounds on my dog that ultimately "required" my father to have him put down. The submission was rushed and did not go in to much detail, which was reflected in the comments it received. I thought I would provide a more specific account in this entry to clear up any confusion.

My first course of acion was to bitch at my Dad about putting Marx to sleep. I mean, I understand that his injuries were severe, but were there no other options? Why the fuck didn't he try to contact me at school somehow? I don't have a cell phone, but he probably could have contacted the main office to find out which class I was in and then had the professor paged or someone sent over to get me. It was an emergency, for fuck's sake. I mean, being told that kind of news through a third party or over the phone is always horrible, but coming home to find that no attempt had been made to contact you... your dog dead and gone? Absolutely unacceptable.

My Dad felt a bit of remorse for me, but when I asked him why he didn't want to bring Marx's body home (for burial), he said that digging a hole in the frozen ground would be next to impossible, and that he was certain that I would never get out there and do it on my own. I definitely would have, the stupid bastard.

On the topic of filing charges against our neighbor, my father was of no help. He claimed that we "had absolutely no evidence that Mr. Hackett had done anything." No shit, Dad! Maybe if we had his body?! Fuck.

With my Dad offering no assistance, I decided that getting back at our neighbour would be up to me.

Last night at around 1:00am (so early this morning, I guess), I dressed all in black and made my way over to the asshole's driveway. I was armed with a steak knife (oh, the irony!) and quickly punctured all the tires on his sport utility vehicle. As I sprinted back to our yard, I dragged the knife along the side of the vehicle, putting a deep scratch in it. I was not seen or heard. I posted earlier that I had been arrested for my cause, but that was just for added drama. Good job on spotting that one. It would be kind of cool to be put behind bars for my cause, but I think it's cooler to be a vegan ninja of sorts.

In return for the neighbor's cowardly assault on my dog, I returned the favor with a cowardly assault on his vehicle.

Friday, March 17, 2006

I am the only Intelligent Vegan / My Dog is Dead

As one of the cowardly "anonymous" fucks from the Vegan Freaks message board indicated in the 'comments' section on my last post, I have been banished from their site. This was the error I received when I attempted to log in:

vBulletin message

You have been banned for the following reason:Don't talk shit about us and expect to be welcome here. http://thelifeofpreston.blogspot.com/2006/03/preston-educates-some-stupid-vegans.html

Date the ban will be lifted: Never

It made me laugh when I saw it. Especially that last bit! The rigid inflexibility of NEVER reminded me of my debate with them -- how they were so unwilling to accept the truth. But the truth hurts, as they say.

But I'll tell you, I'm also hurting pretty badly right now. No, not because of the board fiasco; I could care less about that. And no, not because of my ex-girlfriend, Brittany.

My Dog, Marx, died last night.

When I got home from class, my Mom had this sad look on her face and she told me to sit down at the table. I knew something was wrong. I kind of pieced it together in my head before she even said anything, actually, because I saw Marx's worn red collar in her hand.

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She told me that a couple of hours earlier she had heard Marx wimpering outside. (We have quite a large property and the dog has always been allowed to run around without a leash, since he always knew to stay clear of the road.) When she found him on the back porch, he was bleeding and could barely walk. She said it looked as though several of his ribs had been broken. When my Dad was told of Marx's condition, he took off his collar and drove him to the vet, where he had him "humanely put to sleep." There is no fucking way what happened to my dog can be called "humane" -- he was only seven, and I should have had many more years with him. I'm so mad I didn't get the chance to say goodbye.

I know for certain that he wasn't hit by a car. He never went near the road. I know what happened, because I saw something similar to this with my own eyes before. Marx would often go into our neighbor's yard and tear around. The bastard next door would always threaten that he was going to shoot Marx one day, but I never saw him with a gun. I did see him repeatedly kick him once, though, and I'm certain he did it again, only much more viciously, since he was apparently in very bad shape.

My fucking Dad didn't even bring Marx's body home so I could bury him. The vet probably just tossed him in their dumpster like garbage. It makes me want to throw up. Actually, it makes me fucking furious, and although I have no proof, I want to get back at my fucking neighbor. That fucker murdered my fucking dog! Actually, the vet is technically the one who killed him, and my Dad is the one who gave him the order... but that fucking neighbor is the cause of this.

I don't understand why he hated Marx so much, either. I mean, he'd shit at the very back of the guy's lawn from time to time, but the guy's never even out there to use his yard! Even in the summer, he just lets the grass grow long and never cuts it. All he ever does is go out to the back porch to smoke cigarettes and barbeque. I swear, the fucker's out there like, every night, polluting the air with the smell of cooking flesh. There's got to be some sort of by-law against that.

I'm so angry I can barely type. I'll report back to you on this matter.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Preston Educates some (stupid) Vegans

If you are a vegan in want of vegan discussion, I suggest you avoid the Vegan Freak Forums. (Why am I linking you to them after telling you to avoid them?)

I myself am a vegan who is quite set in his ways, but after several hours of discussion (read: defending myself on all fronts from their army of thick-headed morons) I now understand that I, Preston LaForge, am actually more of a vegan moderate. (I know! I was shocked, too!)

Here's the summary of the topic I was responding to: this woman ("Kelley") invited a bunch of her meat-eating friends over for a vegan dinner. One wanted to bring a piece of chicken, claiming that she suffered from headaches or something when she didn't eat meat. I'd probably be ticked off if someone wanted to bring a piece of chicken to a vegan dinner I was arranging (actually, I definitely would), but seeing as how she had the chance to potentially convert these people to her more sensible diet, I suggested that she overlook the chicken instead of "uninviting" her, as literally everyone in the four of discussion said before I submitted anything to say.

Later on, the argument divides in two ways: the first deals with a comment I made about an attractive female poster. "My, you're an attractive young lady," were my exact words, I believe. Turns out I was "objectifying" her. Who knew?

I also engaged in a debate with them over whether humans were originally meant to eat meat or not. I claimed that we were (duh!). I may be stubborn about some vegan issues, but come on -- I'm not thick-headed enough to suggest that the incisors we have are for, I dunno, opening packages of tofu or something! Astonishingly, these people seem to actually believe what they're saying and say that the idea early humans had to eat meat is just a "theory" -- an "opinion."

Well, in the following excerpts you can read all!

Preston = Red
Others = Blue

Preston Post #1:

I don't see how this is a big deal, frankly.

You've invited a bunch of your meat-eating friends to your dinner party, where you, the vegan, are the minority. Each is likely wary of your diet, but consented to the idea, anyway -- likely in the interest of friendship, which already transcends your different lifestyles.

One of them, however, wants to bring a piece of chicken, citing health concerns as her reason. You stated that she is allergic to everything under the sun, so calling this a bluff might not be such a good idea. Who are you to know how her body reacts to different foods? According to the email, she's not asking you to pluck, gut and cook the chicken; she just wants to bring a piece and eat it with the rest of the meal you're preparing.

First ask yourself what the goal of your dinner is. If you're trying to show your friends that veganism can be healthy and enjoyable, how do you think they're going to react when they find out you "uninvited" someone because they wanted to bring a morcel of chicken? If you ask me, that would be pretty shallow of you, since, a) you know she's going to eat the chicken, anyway (if she were to abide by your "eat it before you come" suggestion, that is); and b) these people have already accepted your olive branch, and realistically, how is her bringing a piece of chicken going to take away from anything? Will you be asking them to leave wool sweaters and leather belts on the lawn, too?

Admittedly, I'm usually quite vocal about my vegan diet, and can be somewhat less-than-diplomatic about it from time to time. But in my opinion, you're going to be an ambassador for veganism during your dinner, and punishing one of them just might be a sure-fire way to leave a bad taste in the mouths of the others.

Post #2: Response to Paisley:My, you are an attractive young lady. (Directed at a girl who had a cute avatar.)

Post #3: (Replying to those who said the blue quotations)

Veganfreak said: This is not really an appropriate response in this forum, Preston. (My "You are an attractive young lady" post) Paisley may or may not be flattered -- I have no idea. Regardless, she has every right to be here as something more than an object of your attraction.

Well, you'll be happy to know that she sent me a private message in appreciation of my comment. But you're right -- that sort of talk doesn't really jive with this forum; though something tells me you probably wouldn't have felt the need to mention "objectification" had it been a female commenting on a male's picture.

Veganfreak said: I wouldn't let someone get away with racism or sexism in my house, so I'm not so sure why speciesism is okay.

Vegans like you and I have the moral high ground when it comes to our stance on the horrid treatment of animals, but human beings, whether you admit to it or not, evolved and are designed to have meat in their diets. Those sharp, pointy teeth in the front of the mouth (incisors) are the body's natural steak knives.

Racism and sexism, incidentally, are not innate, so it doesn't exactly make for a good comparison to the consumption of meat, which will undoubtedly continue to be more acceptable in most societies. But as someone else mentioned: your house, your rules.

Kelley Said: The purpose of the dinner - aside from socializing - is to show my "omni" friends how great vegan meals can be. She would undermine that by bringing the chicken.

Oh, I totally understand your moral reasons for not wanting the meat in your home (and as you mentioned, the dinner was conceived as a vegan feast from the get-go). I just don't understand your belief that one omni guest's possession of chicken could keep the other omnis from seeing "how great vegan meals can be." From the sounds of it, your chicken-loving friend only wants to bring a single piece for herself.

I believe that if your friend (assuming her invitation is honored) were to bring the chicken along, she would not ruin the other guest's vegan meals, but rather your vision of how the dinner would unfold. You said that you "wouldn't get your panties in a bunch" if the meal hadn't been deemed a strictly vegan event --- I can understand that. I would be annoyed if a friend of mine wanted to bring meat to a vegan meal I was preparing. However, if I thought things might get a little ugly, say with email debates or having to uninvite the invited, I would probably swallow my pride for the good of the group.

But hey, just ignore me if you want to, Kelley. I'm just tossing a few opinions your way.

Some guy name Redman's post to me:

I'd like to think that you really read the original post and all the follow ups before making your first post in my thread, and you probably did. Maybe you just enjoy being in the minority or needed to make sure Kelley looked at both sides of it. But we are all here to offer our opinions, and thats all they will be here, is only opinions, so continuing to post in a thread in a disagreeable manner (whether you realize it or not) with a thread jacking comment like :

"Vegans like you and I have the moral high ground when it comes to our stance on the horrid treatment of animals, but human beings, whether you admit to it or not, evolved and are designed to have meat in their diets. Those sharp, pointy teeth in the front of the mouth (incisors) are the body's natural steak knives."

This is a completely separate debate, and it is as you say, whether you admit it or not, an opinion of yours. Many here do not agree with this statement, and ultimately it has nothing to do with this thread.Not to rag too hard Preston, just PLEASE, make sure before you post again, that it is not out of some urgency to "prove yourself" or "win the argument". Youve really expressed your opinion quite well, anything else may be seen as inappropriate.

My Replies:

Redman said: I'd like to think that you really read the original post and all the follow ups before making your first post in my thread, and you probably did.

You're right, I did.

Maybe you just enjoy being in the minority or needed to make sure Kelley looked at both sides of it...

The latter.

But we are all here to offer our opinions, and thats all they will be here, is only opinions, so continuing to post in a thread in a disagreeable manner...with a thread jacking comment...

Woah, not so fast, there, Redman!

You just stated that we are all here to offer our opinions, so as long as I'm doing that, your "taking me aside" to explain how it's done here is the only "thread-jacking comment."

I would like to think that you read all the replies in this topic, and if you had, you would have seen Veganfreak's reply to my original post, where he compared sexism and racism to speciesism (meat-eating). In my direct reply to that comment, I stated that because sexism and racism are learned behaviors and meat-eating is not (the vast majority of us learned to not eat meat), it was not the "best comparison."

So whether you or anyone else disagrees with my air-tight argument is inconsequential. (Every human's skull, the world over, is equipped with teeth that evolved for the purpose of eating not only meat, but grains and vegetables. It's biology and it's fact. I'm sorry, but it is. We vegans realize, of course, that people no longer have to consume animals, but arguing that we never had to is both ignorant and futile.)

Let me now show you a few of the buzz words and phrases that stuck out for me in your post: "Maybe you just enjoy being in the minority... disagreeable manner... thread jacking comment... many here do not agree... make sure before you post again... be seen as inappropriate..."

After reading literally every other "Uninvite her! Hissss!" response in this thread, I took it upon myself to suggest another option. Kelley, the original author of the topic, has been politely discussing that suggestion with me, but here you are, going off topic yourself, basically ordering me to fall into line with everyone else after expressing an opinion (which you said we're all here to do, remember?) that you considered dissenting.

Check yourself, pal. You've made me recollect a comment of Henry Ford's: "[On his vehicles] You can have any color you want, as long as it's black."

- Preston

Cocokate said: Specieism is not simply "meat-eating behaviour".

Did you listen to the Melanie Joy interview? It is indeed an ideology, one that sanctions discrimination among species of animals, and in that regard, I don't see how it is so different (in form) from racism/sexism. Kelley's friend does display speciesist tendencies, as I'm sure she doesn't eat horse or dog flesh, etc.

Can you point me to an unbiased source to prove your point about teeth? I'm an anthropology student, and I've come across evidence for points of view. I've also come across professors who start from the unabashed carnist position and look for evidence to defend their lifestyles (these folks are usually leftists and animal welfarists too) and, admittedly far fewer, vegetarians who do the same from the vegetarian point of view.

Also, I don't think that anyone suggested Kelley be rude about "disinviting" her friend. I'm sure she has the social tact to preserve the peace and her friendship with this woman while being true to her principles. In fact, I'd say she has the responsibility to do just that. As vegans, I thought we were supposed to start from the premise that the bodies of animals are not ours to exploit--to eat, to wear, etc. By allowing her friend to bring the piece of chicken, she cannot in good faith demonstrate that premise to the others.

PS. I also agree that this woman needs help and could really benefit from some solid nutrition information, if she is open to receiving it.

Actually, no, I haven't heard that interview of Melanie Joy's, but I would very much enjoy a link to it, if one is available.

I doubt I could point to an "unbiased" source to prove my point about the teeth, and I'm afraid you would have even more difficulty doing the same for your position. Each side is automatically going to view the other as biased, no matter how neutral the source attempts to be.

That said, I ask you, anthropology student, to look at the following two pictures:

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The first is the skull of a lion, Africa's top carnivore; the second is that of chimpanzee, man's closest primate relative (I don't think we have too many Creationists here, do we?) Note the obvious similarities. We know what the lion's teeth are designed for, as we have all seen them take down their pray on the Discovery channel; and I'm sure you've seen chimpanzee documentaries too, right? Well, if you have, you'll know that for all the fruit, leaves and hard nuts they much on (that's why the rear of the jaw is so pronounced), they also consume large quantities of meat, including the stolen kills from other predators and small monkeys they themselves have hunted down. These carnivorous traits explain why the incisors of these two animals are so alike.

Now I ask you, all bias aside, to run your tongue across the sharp points of your incisors. I know you and the rest of us here don't use them for tearing at meat now, but they are in our jaws because of evolutionary necessity. Before our hunter-gatherer ancestors (who were in fact prey to large animals themselves and then quite low on the food chain) harnessed the ability to farm produce, their only chance for survival was to eat meat -- this is why they had the incisors and why they are still in your mouth.

This doesn't mean that you, myself, or anyone else today has to eat meat these days, but I'm genuinely baffled as to why anyone would try and argue against its past value. The evidence is incredibly overwhelming.

- Preston

Vegan Vulcan said: Are you serious? Do you honestly think that someone who flat out told (not asked) the host of a dinner she would be bringing chicken would be at all be polite or circumspect when bringing an alternative to a vegan meal?

No, I don't think it's "polite or circumspect." In fact, if you look back at my post, I said that I would be quite annoyed if someone were to try and do the same at a vegan dinner I was preparing.

I think it's pretty evident that this person would most definately not keep quiet about her. . . unique. . . nutritional beliefs. It seems, from her own language, that she would most likely make a point of informing other diners of her "need" for chicken.

"Evident"? "Definitely"? Hmm, I don't think so. Possible? Likely? Those are the words I'd use, since you are divining conclusions here, by assuming you know how the woman is going to behave. Also, considering that the other guests are omnivores themselves, do you really think any clucking on the woman's part over her love for chicken is going to make a difference for the other guests? They already eat meat, after all, and certainly have their own pre-ordained opinions about poultry. Again, as tactless and rude it is of this lady to say that she is going to be bringing a piece of chicken, I highly doubt its presence at Kelley's house would affect the other guets, but it would most certainly make Kelley's nerves all the more "rocky."

How will she act at the dinner itself? It seems that she would like nothing more than to take the focus off of veganism and put it onto herself and her carnivorous beliefs.

You can only assume, I'm afraid. I think allowing the woman to do as she originally planned is the only way to get your answer.

I'm really surprised about your response to all of this. In fact, on your blog, you mentioned that you "don't believe in showing restraint when it comes to [your] firm beliefs." From your statements, it seems that you're holding Kelley to a different standard than yourself. She has chosen to take direct action, which I respect. Sure, she could let it go and then just bitch about it afterwards, but she's standing up! I respect that immensely.

You're right; normally I'm quite firm about this sort of thing. Maybe I'd react differently if this were my situation -- you never know. But considering that she has a bevy of potential converts at hand, I wonder what kind of effect ostracizing one of them will have on the rest? Maybe it will have none? Maybe Kelley doesn't care either way? But judging by her posts about being more lax under different circumstances, maybe she's being too harsh? Again, it doesn't matter to me either way, I'm just playing Devil's Advocate.

I would have found it offensive if you had wolf-whistled at a man or a woman on these forums, and if VeganFreak hadn't called you out on it, I would have. I was incredibly offended by your objectification of her.

I find it startling that my tame compliment offended you so "incredibly." It may not have had a place in this particular discussion, but if something like "My, you are an attractive young lady" offends you that much, I'm sorry to say that you have some pent up (and likely unhealthy) attitudes towards men. I notice you dodged (or misinterpreted) my suggestion that if it had been a woman who had found a man's picture attractive, she probably wouldn't have had people "calling her on it."

(Vegan Vulcan, after realizing the full wrath of my debating skills, exited the debate at this point, saying, "Whatever, Preston! I'm so over your posts about this!" What a loser. Oops - she visits this blog from time to to time. Oh well, she knows I totally owned her -- and everyone else -- in that thread. )

Cocokate said: Vegan Vulcan has an "unhealthy attitude toward men" because she is offended by the objectification of women? In that case, I do too. Thanks for letting me know. (this is my last hijack of this thread, I swear.)

If complimenting on the attractiveness of an image that is very much on display is so "objectifying," I shudder to think of all the other offensive scenarios you and vegan vulcan could dream up. Is a man who politely asks a woman on a date with romantic intentions in mind "objectifying" her? He obviously regards her attractive in some way -- he's just not overtly saying it, which wouldn't be offensive or objectionable at all, in my opinion. At the same time, would a woman who asked a man out be objectifying him? Of course not.

And you're right -- I don't know if Veganfreak is guilty of a double-standard on this one; but seeing as how so many other people I've met are and judging by the response I'm getting from the rest of you, I'd say I'd bet money that I'm right about my different scenario. But again, we'll never have an answer to that.

Daphne1d said: I beg your pardon, but do you know Vegan Vulcan? That was an extremely rude thing to say, not to mention patronizing.I found your initial remark to Paisley dismissive and patronizing as well, I don't care if she didn't mind. And I assure you I don't have issues with men. I have to wonder about YOUR issues with women, however.I find your advice to Kelley rather contradictory and baffling. As for your evidence about our teeth being 'steak knives' how's about you walk out into a field and take down a cow with those bad boys, and then we'll talk about whether or not humans were designed to eat meat.Ok, now I'm being rude, but I am just blown away by your comments in the post, and I too think you're just here to start pointless arguments. If I want that, I can do that with my co-workers and get paid for my troubles

This is a picture of a cow's skull. (By the way, I'm shocked you would advocate the murder of one of them.)

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Note the teeth: very flat - designed solely for chewing grass other plant life. They are natural herbivores (ignore the meat that is unnaturally fed to them and causes mad cow disease, of course). If you were asking whether a human could bite a cow to death, of course that's quite impossible...actually, it could probably happen if several people swarmed the cow like a pack of hyenas or something.

But anyway, your argument is weak (as were the others I'm not responding to). Humans have never hunted animals using their teeth as weapons, like lions. Sorry. They were, however, intended to be omnivores, much like our friend the chimpanzee on the previous page. That's it, this time. I swear. Shame on you for bringing me back into this! Ha.



Monday, March 13, 2006

Preston Presents: The Dally Llama -- A Profile

Good evening.

Tonight I'm switching gears and introducing Preston Presents - a feature that will allow me to stop talking about myself for once, and shine the spotlight on those who often go unnoticed.
That's right -- you, my loyal readers and commenters! Without your support -- and yes, even the odd criticism -- I doubt I'd have the energy to post regularly. You keep me going, and after reviewing my blog's many comments, which now probably number in the hundreds, I thought I'd do a little feature on one of It Ain't Easy Eating Green's most obsessive visitors: The Dally Llama.

If you're ever in need of a good read, just check out one of his many comments, which, uh -- oh yeah. I apologize, but I forgot I deleted every last one of them the other day when he annoyed me by submitting an unwanted reply over and over again. I kept deleting and he just kept posting. Some people just can't take a hint, you know? But seriously, that's all water under the bridge now. What has passed is past! And speaking of the past, let's get on with the feature!

You'll be interested to know, friends, that Mr. Llama was at one time an aspiring actor! Here's a photo that was taken just before his audition for the role of Gollum in Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings trilogy:

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"Fresh fish, master!! Yesss! The precious!"

Unfortunately, Jackson and his casting agents felt that Dally's performance "lacked passion," and ultimately gave the role to Andy Serkis, whose vocal talents and brilliant mannerisms gave audiences what is arguably the best animated character in CGI's history:

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Frustrated and angry with himself, Dally vowed that he would never make another attempt at acting. Instead, he enrolled in College, where he decided to pursue the study of Law. However, he quickly discovered that Law is hard, and after being put on academic probation, he gave up on yet another path.

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"To hell with this!"

Today, Dally lives in the basement of his parents' house and is pretty much a shut-in. But don't think for a moment that he's forgotten how to have fun! One of his favorite past times as of late is sticking ball-point pens in his ear, which he claims offers a "soothing, tingling sensation."

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"Ehhhhh!!!"

I hope you have enjoyed the first of what I hope will be many profiles on Preston Presents.

I hope you all go and visit Dally's wonderful blog at http://tightlynes77.blogspot.com/

Good night, and don't eat meat.

- Preston

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

You want to hear about a Sunday night dinner that's really fucked up?

Well, late last week, probably around thursday or friday, Jason, a vegetarian buddy of mine from work, invited me over to his place for a beer and some of his "veggie fajitas." He suggested Sunday (yes, it's the present Sunday I'm talking about here). I said sure.

Jason refers to himself as a "vegetarian in transition" -- says he's going vegan "real soon." Shit, the tool's been saying that for months! I can't comprehend how some people are sympathetic enough to become vegetarians, but find the leap to vegandom so unthinkable. Honestly, does that make any sense to you? You can't meet compassion half way, man - you either have it or you don't! If you're trying to beat alcoholism, you can't allow yourself a beer now and then -- not even if you're thirsty with nothing else to drink! Same fuckin' situation -- if you care about animals, you don't exploit them! Fuck!

And what's so difficult about cutting all animal products from your diet, anyhow? You just... stop! I chide Jason for his cruelty whenever I see him drinking a carton of milk at work. For some reason he thinks that just because dairy cows don't die when their milk is taken, it's not as bad as eating meat. It is just as bad.

But aside from that, he's a cool guy. He said he wanted to kick my ass playing table tennis on his vintage Pong! system from the Seventies. This mono-purpose system was the centre of existence for our primitive, gamer ancestors. And hey, what would that have been like back then?

"Hey dude, you want to come over this weekend and chill? We'll have a video game showdown, man! Whadda ya say?"

"Sure! What games do you have?"

"....that's not even funny, man. You know there's only one video game."

Weird!

Oh, and Jason? He had no idea what he was getting himself into. Preston's the fuckin' Pong Masssstuh! Wa-zzzzowwww! *Roundhouse kick* (If it's not obvious to you, I'm really stoned right now, so excuse my passion for... you know... pretty much everything?)

What was I saying? Ah yes -- I was about to tell you of what happened when I went to Jason's.

Well, I got to his place and was surprised to see that someone else was in the apartment. Jason's older brother, Steve, visiting from Ohio. Steve "drives truck" and often stops by Jason's place whenever he has a big enough gap in his schedule for a visit.

I had met the guy once before and that had been enough. A total asshole. You know the kind:


The Rangers are totally winning the fuckin' Stanley Cup this year!

Hey man, listen--listen... why do all brides wear white? So the stove matches the dishwasher! Wa ha ha! *Slaps your back*

There's nothin' better than hiking in woods, your rifle on your shoulder, a flask of whiskey on your hip, and seeing the broad side of a ten-point buck at fifty yards -- chiuck-chiuck! ... KABLAM!! Woo! Fresh meat! *Maybe another slap to the back?*


You get the idea. Basically, your average (loathsome) male. Why do they still think this way? I'm serious, if everyone thought as we vegans do, we would have a modern Utopia. (And hold your "Yeah, a Fruitopia!" jokes, you stupid fucks. Yeah, that's right -- a mere sample of how much further ahead of you I am, both morally and intellectually -- Sha-zowwww! *Fury of punches!*)

Like Jason, Steve was just getting ready to eat dinner. No, none of the planned Veggie-Fajitas for him. He had a different meal on the go. A revolting steak, baked potato, asparagus and red pepper, all covered in sauteed mushrooms. And even the vegetables disgusted me, since he had slathered them with several cubes of fatty, disgusting butter. I seriously gag thinking about it.

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*Puke!*

I held my tongue as Jason and told me to take a seat. "The fajitas are almost ready!" he said.

My manners with Steve probably could have been better. I wasn't exactly enthusiastic while engaging in the chit chat one must evidently engage in when meeting with someone you haven't seen in a while.

"Preston! Good to see ya, bud!"
"So good to see you too, Steve -- too long, man...too long"

Whatever. The fucker was clearly too focused on the meal he was about to be eating to detect any sarcasm in my voice. Hell, with his turd nugget brain, he's unlikely to understand subtle inflections in the the human voice. Shouting is different, of course. Yelling and boasting about inane things is a trademark of these jackasses.

"Giv'er!!"

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Left to right: beer, Jason.

But seriously, despite the anger I felt towards the meal Steve was eating, I considered my host's generous hospitality and decided it was best to avoid any verbal conflict.

...

Almost had you there, didn't I? Of course that didn't happen. Here's how I lost it:

The first thing I did, you'll be pleased to know, is think of you, my intelligent vegan readers! I wanted to document the gluttony I was witnessing so you would have no difficulty understanding my actions. I produced the digital camera I always keep stored in my hemp carry-all and began snapping pictures. Steve started making a big show of eating his "fuckin' gorgeous" steak for the lens. You have no idea how close I came to punching him. But I managed a bit of restraint.

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Simply appalling.

I had no appetite, of course, so the steaming fajitas sat on my plate getting cold. Jason asked me what was the matter, but I didn't respond. He paid no mind, though, and kept on with his fajitas and beer. With the little photo session over, I couldn't keep from staring at trucker boy, who noisily chewing the flesh of an innocent creature right in front of me. I knew I would have to leave. And I knew I had to say something.

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Jason, circa pre-rant

"Do you have any idea how repulsive that meal of yours is to me?" I asked, tossing my knife and fork to the plate in front of me with a clatter.

It got Steve's attention, all right. I'll spare you his boneheaded omni defense and just tell you the evening's end result -- me leaving the place with an empty stomach after cursing dumb butcher up and down. I just can't be in closed quarters with guys like that, I'm sorry. I know Jason'll probably be pissed at me when we see one another at work, but he'll get over it.

Thank fuck I'm at home now with the organic vegetable platter I prepared the other night.


-Preston


Update:

http://luvbeef.blogspot.com/

Seeing this kind of retaliation from meat eaters is so typical. The guy didn't even have a blog when he started posting on mine, but I guess he got a surge of creativity all of a sudden.

Why should I be friendly to them when they continue to treat me like this? Fuck.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Considering a Car (That is as Environmentally Friendly as Possible, of course! HELP!!)

As I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, my parents don't feel as strongly about the environment as I do. So, for my eighteenth birthday a few years back, my Dad thought he'd surprise me with a 1995 BMW. And I was surprised, all right -- surprised he was so ignorant of my love for Mother Earth that he'd buy me such a gas-guzzling, smog-emitting piece of shit.

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But I suppose his heart was in the right place... I could tell he was reaching out for my love. Still, I couldn't justify actually driving that thing, so after a few pity laps around the block with Dad waving from the front porch, I parked that motherfucker in the garage, where it has stayed ever since.

My mom gave me a few "You know your father means well" talks the summer I got that car, in the hopes I'd take it out for a spin, and smooth things out with Dad. But I wouldn't bite. How could I justify the other aspects of my lifestyle if I was bombing around the streets in that thing?

So I rode my bicycle whenever possible, and have ever since. When extreme winter weather keeps me from taking the bike out, public transportation is there, and it takes me pretty much everywhere I need to go.

But lately, with having to travel back and forth from school and work so often, public transit just hasn't been cutting it. I love the fact that riding the bus doesn't pollute as much, but I've been showing up late for both work and school a lot because of buses that are running off schedule, due to poor road conditions.

So I've decided that I'm going to start driving. Don't worry, I'm not going to be driving the BMW. I'm selling that thing. (In fact, I think I may have already lined up a buyer from school.) I asked my Dad about a week ago how he would feel about me getting rid of it. He pretended like he was still annoyed over my initial rejection of that car four years ago by saying, "Are you going to trade it in for some magic beans or something?"

The fucking asshole.

He said it in a half-joking sort of way, but it really ticked me off, and reminded me that I don't care what he thinks, anyway.

So the bottom line is, the BMW is going, and I'll be getting a new vehicle. I'm pretty excited. Whatever money I get from the old car will go towards the new one. Helping things out a lot will be some inheritance money my Grandpa left me.

I don't know much about cars, but I think I've narrowed it down to a few finalists. Pictured in order below are the now famous Smart Car, Toyota Prius and Honda Civic Hybrid. Now, I haven't made up my mind on what car I'm going to get, so I'm just brainstorming here. I'd appreciate any advice you people can give me!

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- Preston

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Help Shut Down "Bonsai Kitten"

Another update. Read on -- this one's important.

A good Vegan friend of mine just forwarded me an email she received from her Women's Studies TA. In the letter (which is actually a petition, by the way), there is a link to a website called www.bonsaikitten.com.

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The title sounds cute, I know -- but when I actually checked it out, I was disgusted.

Basically, the site's creator is a guy from New York City who is torturing kittens by cramming them into containers in order to disfigure their "rubbery" young skeletons. What's even worse is that he's planning on selling all the equipment one needs to perform this torture on his site! I mean, doing this to innocent creatures is bad enough, but the fact he's broadcasting this shit to the world in an attempt to turn a profit? Fuck, man -- I'm sorry, but I'm not going to stand for that. I hope you won't, either.

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The equipment he lists includes a variety of things, such as: "containment vessels" (just cheap glass jars you'd store flour in, or something); muscle relaxants to enable the insertion of the feeding tube, which is essential to keep the cat alive in its container; super glue to keep the animal in one place once in the jar; drills for making the air holes -- some fucking sick stuff.

I'm pleading with anyone who reads this to either e-mail the creator of this site at webmeowster@bonsaikitten.com and demand he shut it down, or, if you have come across the e-mail petition I mentioned, to please put your name on it. If we can rally enough people together on this, maybe getting some media attention or something, people are going to take notice and put this guy in jail. I don't know how he isn't already.

-Preston.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Circumcision

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Liz, a co-worker of mine (and fellow Vegan), is six months pregnant with her first child. She recently took her maternity leave, but earlier today she came into work and showed off a few pictures from the ultrasound she recently had. She's having a boy.

Josh, a douchebag who recently started work in the kitchen, immedietely started making inappropriate comments.
"I've heard of parents who take a lot of pictures of their kids, but this is ridiculous!" he said, cackling at his own dumb joke. Then, leaning in and wincing at the picture he said, "Hey--is that his dick?!"

Whoever performed the ultrasound had circled the baby's genitals on the print. Liz had been eager to know the child's sex and was apparently told during a previous ultrasound that she was likely to have a boy, but this time it was a certainty.

"Hey-hey! 'Little dude's gonna be a hit with the ladies with that thing!" Josh went on. (Apparently he thought the prenatal child's member was impressive. I wonder what Josh is packing?)

"Well, it'll probably be a tiny bit smaller once he's circumcised," said Liz.

What!?

No, I didn't say that. I just recoiled in silence. I just couldn't believe that Liz, someone who has been a close friend for nearly two years now, was going to mutilate her own child. I thought I knew her, but I guess I was wrong. Very wrong.

I mean, we both obviously agree that exploiting animals for aesthetic purposes is morally wrong; so why then is she planning on welcoming her child to this earth with a torturous procedure which is just that --- purely aesthetic, and rooted in thousands of years of patriarchal, nonsensical religious tradition!

People in favor of circumcision don't really have many good arguments for it, either. Most of their time is spent denying the (lenghty) list of extremely valid arguments we sensible people have about the operation.

Oh, and I guess I'm obliged to mention that I was circumcised as an infant. Thanks a lot, Mom. Thanks a lot, Dad. Technically, I guess that makes me "less" of a man, since I was robbed (and I do consider it a robbery, since I was given no choice in the matter) of a body part all males are born with.

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I admit, I've never felt as though I was missing anything; but a child who is born without sight, hearing, and yes, even limbs, knows no other reality. But I'm certain they ask themselves the "what if?" questions, as I do when I consider my missing foreskin.

The main claims "Circumnazis" make is that the glans area, when covered by the foreskin, is a breeding ground for bacteria and potential infection. Yeah, right. I read that 50% of North American children are now dodging the knife at birth -- I guess that means we're going to be seeing every other male itching at his raw, fly-attracting groin in the coming years, hmm? Unlikely.

Penile cancer is allegedly a greater risk for the un-circumcised. Yet another lie!

Here's the bottom line: we're born the foreskin and should leave it intact. Don't subject your newborn children to such a gruesome practice. If they want to get a circumcision, it should be law that they willingly have it done on their own. And in these cases, it should be done as it was done originally: with no anisthetic. Ha! Let's see how many guys line up to have it done when they have to have it sliced from them while they are awake.

Just as many people believe animals feel no pain because they lack the ability to speak, the same can be said of those who are ignorant of an infant's pain during circumcision. But have a good look at the pictures I've posted -- do these babies look like they're enjoying themselves? Of course they don't.

-Preston