It Ain't Easy Eating Green

A VEGAN ODYSSEY

Monday, March 20, 2006

Vengeance

Last night I updated the blog while I was half asleep. It was a quick post about how I got back at my neighbor for inflicting wounds on my dog that ultimately "required" my father to have him put down. The submission was rushed and did not go in to much detail, which was reflected in the comments it received. I thought I would provide a more specific account in this entry to clear up any confusion.

My first course of acion was to bitch at my Dad about putting Marx to sleep. I mean, I understand that his injuries were severe, but were there no other options? Why the fuck didn't he try to contact me at school somehow? I don't have a cell phone, but he probably could have contacted the main office to find out which class I was in and then had the professor paged or someone sent over to get me. It was an emergency, for fuck's sake. I mean, being told that kind of news through a third party or over the phone is always horrible, but coming home to find that no attempt had been made to contact you... your dog dead and gone? Absolutely unacceptable.

My Dad felt a bit of remorse for me, but when I asked him why he didn't want to bring Marx's body home (for burial), he said that digging a hole in the frozen ground would be next to impossible, and that he was certain that I would never get out there and do it on my own. I definitely would have, the stupid bastard.

On the topic of filing charges against our neighbor, my father was of no help. He claimed that we "had absolutely no evidence that Mr. Hackett had done anything." No shit, Dad! Maybe if we had his body?! Fuck.

With my Dad offering no assistance, I decided that getting back at our neighbour would be up to me.

Last night at around 1:00am (so early this morning, I guess), I dressed all in black and made my way over to the asshole's driveway. I was armed with a steak knife (oh, the irony!) and quickly punctured all the tires on his sport utility vehicle. As I sprinted back to our yard, I dragged the knife along the side of the vehicle, putting a deep scratch in it. I was not seen or heard. I posted earlier that I had been arrested for my cause, but that was just for added drama. Good job on spotting that one. It would be kind of cool to be put behind bars for my cause, but I think it's cooler to be a vegan ninja of sorts.

In return for the neighbor's cowardly assault on my dog, I returned the favor with a cowardly assault on his vehicle.

14 Comments:

At 4:40 PM, Blogger The Dally Llama said...

Still calling B.S. I believe it even less now. A steak knife, strong enough to puncture the side wall of an SUV tire? Are you kidding? Do you realize how heavy duty car tires are, especially SUV tires? I'm not buying, even for a second. Even the tires of a smart car would be hard to puncture with a steak knife. No, you're going to have to think your stories through a little more carefully. Good job on trying to convince the other kids that you're a bad a-s-s though.

P.S., censorship is for sucks.

 
At 4:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

A Vegan, according to Webster, is "a person who does not eat or use animal products." Somehow you think destruction of property and vandalism is furthering this cause?

Your dad was right to say there was no evidence Mr. Hackett killed your dog, and you're profoundly ignorant to think you're justified in committing a crime against your neighbor because of pure conjecture.

While there's no evidence of any wrongdoing on the part of your neighbor, there is plenty (assuming that Dally is incorrect in his BS call...) in your confession to implicate you.

You've posted your first and last name (Preston Laforge), as well as your neighbor's last name (Hackett). Finding your county of residence shouldn't be difficult. I wonder what other demographics I can glean from your misguided posts to help narrow the focus...

 
At 4:51 PM, Blogger Preston said...

I don't know where you buy your cheap-ass knives, Llama, but my parents have a thirty or forty-piece set of Wusthofs.

I don't expect you to know what those are, so I'll tell you. Drop-forged steel, from Solingen, Germany. Lifetime warranty.

I normally only use the chef's knife or santoku knife for dicing vegetables, but the steak knife came in handy for this.

And you've obviously never punctured a tire before, have you? You don't cram it in the fucking treads where it's nearly indestructible -- you make a forceful jab near the inner part of the tire's wall.

Oh, and I don't care if you don't believe, Gollom.

 
At 4:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Uh, Preston... I don't know if you actually read Dally's post, but he referred to the "sidewall" of the tire, not the threads. I'd expect even you to know the difference.

 
At 5:09 PM, Blogger Preston said...

I obviously know the difference, you ass. I mentioned both in my comment, so you're correct in assuming that I simply didn't read his too carefully. Just a glance. He never has anything positive to say, after all.

It doesn't surprise me that Dally Llama wouldn't be able to puncture a tire. The guy looks like he's fucking dying in the pictures he posted of himself on his blog. Probably is, given the unhealthy, meaty diet he consumes.

But seriously, he's clearly small-statured and feeble.

If I made a post about going on a 20 mile bike ride (something I do all the time in warm months), he'd say, "I call B.S! Do you realize how tiring it is to ride a bike for twenty miles!"

-Preston

 
At 7:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I do actually. But what I don't understand is how any one person can harbor such profound ignorance and stupidity.

I'm callin' BS on your whole blog. No one can be this idiotic. That being the case, I commend you on poking fun at people who actually are so narrow-minded and self-centered as you're pretending to be here. Well done.

 
At 9:03 AM, Blogger Preston said...

Idiotic?! I'm probably one of the most rational vegans around! If you want to talk to some idiot vegans, go to the Vegan Freaks message board.

Just a bunch of retards over there.

Actually, you're probably from that message board, aren't you?

 
At 12:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, it defies belief how stupid you are. First you lie about getting arrested, then post this about vandalizing your neighbor's car (which, if it is even true, has got to be one most moronic things anyone could possibly do after committing a crime). Not only do I hope your neighbor beats your ass, I hope you get sentenced to community service for the vandalism and then an additional ten years for aggravated twattery.

-Kisses

 
At 1:43 PM, Blogger Wardo said...

Actually, popping a car-tire is pretty easy. I learned that one Halloween in the years of my troubled youth. My cheapo made-in-China lock-blade handled the task like it was made for it.

I'm surprised though, that the gusting, "WHOOSH!" the tire would have made didn't alert your neighbour. These tires are under a lot of pressure and make quite a sound when they let go.

-Ace

 
At 1:45 PM, Blogger Wardo said...

By the way...

"A Vegan, according to Webster, is "a person who does not eat or use animal products." Somehow you think destruction of property and vandalism is furthering this cause?"

I didn't know that either a car tire or knife was an animal product? What animal do steak knives come from, anyway, Anonymous?

-Ace

 
At 2:39 PM, Blogger xsparklerx said...

Your dad took your dog to a real vet to get him put down right? Any competent, trained vet can tell the difference between a beating and a car accident. I mean, if I got my ass kicked and went into a doctor saying I got hit by a car, they'd know. And on the same subject, a vet would not ignore a brutal beating of this sort, and especially wouldn't straight out lie about it, saying there was no evidence it happened in the first place.

I'm really sorry that you lost your dog, I know how terrible that must be, and the way you were informed must make it even harder.

But I think you're letting your emotions get the best of you, and taking things completely too far. I mean, it's even against your environmental ideals, he's gonna havta replace those tires, using up extra fossil fuel, right?

To each his own, but I don't believe in fighting fire with fire. There's no respect in it, and being vegan is all about respect.

 
At 4:16 PM, Blogger The Dally Llama said...

Yo tiger, a few thoughts:

A) I've called you out a few times, and pointed out grammatical flaws in your posts after you called someone an idiot for posting something with comparable errors, which you didn't like much, so you deleted them. I was only echoing your criticism.

B) I've never once criticized you for being vegan, which is obviously your primary identity. This is something that cannot be said for many, if not most, of the other adverse posters on the site. I'm all for letting people eat what they want to. Knock yourself out, I don't care. Just don't get up in my grill and tell me I'm evil because i like to eat meat. Somehow this is never having anything positive to say?

C) You're right. I've never slashed a tire. I don't believe in vandalism.

D) I do have cheap knives. Anything I own, I've had to buy, not my dad. But I'll take your recommendation of Wusthoffs under advisement. If they can handle a tire, I'm sure they'd have no trouble with a steak.

E) Eating meat is not categorically unhealthy. Depending on what you choose, and how often you eat it, it can be perfectly fine.

F) I do know what a 20 mile bike ride requires because I just did 25 miles yesterday. Since you brought up the physical condition issue, let's go to the gym sometime (it's that place with weights). I can hold my own.

G) I don't have a G. I just didn't want A-F to feel lonely.

 
At 2:33 PM, Blogger gargirl said...

Well, I for one know that a tire is much easier to puncture than some seem to think. Yow. A friend of mine slashed a couple just after high school, for much less reason.

Sorry to hear about your dog.

 
At 8:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Preston

 

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