It Ain't Easy Eating Green


Wednesday, April 05, 2006

My Snake, Tre, Sends his Regards

"Doin' fine, everbody!"


You see? Straight from the horse's mouth, so to speak.

If you're new to this blog and too lazy to scroll down a few inches to my previous post, I'll update you on what has happened:

A few weeks ago, my psychotic neighbor decided to kick the living shit out of my beloved dog, Marx. He didn't kill him, but he messed him up bad enough to make my (equally psychotic) father take him to the vet, where he had him "put to sleep." For the next little while I was very depressed. Eventually I entertained the idea of getting a new dog, but, after checking out the pet store and kennel, I was unable to locate a suitable replacement. So I decided to switch gears altogether and get myself a pet snake. And as you have probably realized by now, I am a very opinionate person, so I got one without delay! A pet Boa Constrictor, I named Tre (after the lead singer of the legendary band Phish. You haven't heard them?! Then by all means, go and listen! I was fortunate enough to see them live twice, by the way!)

So anyway, Tre has proven to be a great snake. He's docile, affectionate (sort of), and quite small for a Boa. Yeah, yeah, I realize he'll get bigger, but I don't want him to. He's such a cute size right now.

In my last post I mentioned that I wasn't going to be feeding Tre meat. I'm sorry, but I simply can't bring myself to purchase dead mice and rats for him. I will not finance that kind of organized slaughter when there are other perfectly healthy options are available. Tre will be given a steady diet of tofu. He has already shown quite a liking for it, and has eaten two golf ball-sized chunks. For some bizarre fucking reason, the idiots who commented on my last post (yes, I'm looking in your direction, Liz!) think that a snake is an obligate carnivore and cannot survive on anything but the flesh of other animals. How wrong you are --- how WRONG you are!

First, a little lesson. This is tofu:

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Mother of GOD, that looks delicious!

And now some real hard-hitting proof that pets love Tofu! The following pictures are of Mr. Hampster:

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"What the fuck is that? It smells delicious!"

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"Mmmm! It is delicious! NEVER feed me sunflower seeds again!"

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"Mfffm---fweed me mowuh!! MOWUH!!"

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"If you ever stop feeding me this, I will kill you."

And there you have it. Conclusive proof that I am right. But who, aside from a few of you morons, was ever in doubt of me being right? I'm always right. What's that you say? That's not a snake, but a hampster? So? So far, Tre has shown me that he ALSO likes tofu!

Hell, if it's good enough for me and other vegans, why isn't it good enough for a snake? I don't eat meat and I'm perfectly healthy, and the same will be true for Tre! Aside from the tofu, you'll be happy to know that I've been giving him B-12 suppliments. He wouldn't eat the pills on his own, so I ground them up using a mortar and pestle, added water and then administered them with a slender turkey baster. Boom! A month's worth in one go!

And now a word to my supporters: thank you for stopping by and not judging me. I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

To my detractors: eat my fibrous shit! I mean that from my bottom.

- Preston out! (Muthafuckas!)

I looovvvvvvvvvvve being right. WOOT!


At 4:55 AM, Blogger Meatlover Skillet said...

Just because an animal likes to eat something doesn't mean it's healthy. I would eat deep fried foods every meal if I could, but where would that get me? In a coffin, eventually.

I just don't understand why you would want to inflict your insane vegan beliefs on a carnivorous animal that doesn't know any better. Let the snake go, let it eat what it was designed to eat.

It's the worst case of animal cruelty forcing an animal to eat vegan when it's a carnivore. It'd be like forcing a sheep to eat steak.

At 6:24 AM, Anonymous liz said...

Skillet, I never thought I'd agree with you on something, but I was wrong. Your comments are right on target. Well, almost: except for vegan beliefs being "insane". ;) They're not insane for humans, as we have choice-- inflicting those beliefs on a carnivorous animal is not moral, ethical, or vegan!

I recoil in horror when I hear stories about humans feeding cows to other cows, or cows to sheep, or whatever-- making herbivores become carnivores is gross and immoral. I also recoil when I hear about carnivores being forced to become herbivores, because of irresponsible people.

Preston, if you knew you couldn't feed your snake, you shouldn't have purchased him. Was your dog vegan? You'll most likely claim he was, whether or not it's the truth. But anyways, if you fed your dog regular dog food, how can you be squeamish about feeding a snake? Take care of your animal. Some creatures are carnivores, some are herbivores, some are omnivores. Take Biology 101-- tofu doesn't have things that carnivores need, like taurine. Ask a vet: they'll tell you how much you're an idiot. You don't have to take my word for it!

Anyways, I have my doubts as to the truthfullness of Preston, as always. Probably just trying to stir shit up, as usual. I'm kind of thinking he doesn't really have a snake (kind of like he didn't really go to jail and have daddy bail him out). Hey Prest-o-man, how about a shot of you WITH your snake, not just some random pic of a snake on someone's hand, that you could have google image searched? If I see you and your snake, I'll take it back. . . but until then, I reserve my right to doubt your truthfullness.

By the way, nice "lizbian" joke. Very clever and mature. Have they booked you on Leno, yet?

At 6:35 AM, Blogger Meatlover Skillet said...

Here's your proof that Preston is full of shit. Found the exact same image on this site:

I hope that works, if not, I'll add it to my space for all to see.

Try again, Preston! LOSER!

At 6:58 AM, Blogger Meatlover Skillet said...

P.S. Preston, I didn't know you could speak Chinese!

"I looovvvvvvvvvvve being right. WOOT!"

At 8:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I knew it, I knew it,

and you have to give me an appluse guys I was the first one to know that he is a joke, everything that he writtes on this blog is not real...

probably he is a she, a 18 years old un-atractive supervisor at her local MacDonalds...

Preston or what ever your name is...

keep on sucking!!!!

At 8:42 AM, Blogger Preston said...

I hate to break it to you guys, but I never claimed that the snake in that picture was actually Tre.

My digital camera is a total piece of shit - a Vivitar 1.3 (made in China) mega pixel thing that someone gave me for free. I managed to take a couple of shots with it, but it wasn't long before the thing broke.

I did a google search to find a picture of a Boa Constrictor that was roughtly the same size as Tre. But nice work, detective!

Idiot! You're ALL idiots! DurrrrRRR!


PS - shouldn't you be busy eating my shit? Get to work!!

At 9:13 AM, Blogger Preston said...

Oh, and before you all head off to the library to research whether or not snakes have the ability to speak, I'll save you the trouble -- Tre didn't actually say, "Doin' fine, everybody!"

I typed that myself.



At 9:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is good to know that a joke like you, my dear Preston-Chick is a click away.

Get real, i bet you are a meat eater, and you wait until no one is at the store and eat all the free hamburgers that you can.

Are you also full of pimples and over weighted?

That is a good story about your un-real rich parents, it is just sad that you wish you were someone like the person you play


At 9:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, why did you change your original comment that said you don't own a digital camera at all, to say the camera you own is a piece of shit?

Oh that's right, you realized someone might find one of your previous posts, Sunday, Bloody Sunday, and quote you verbatim:

"I produced the digital camera I always keep stored in my hemp carry-all and began snapping pictures."

Pathetic, truly pathetic.

At 9:32 AM, Blogger Preston said...

You people are so stupid, I swear.

The "Sunday, Bloody Sunday" post contains legitimate, grainy photos from my shitty camera. Shortly after I took them, the thing stopped working.

I don't have a camera anymore. It's broken.

At 9:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Keep digging your hole, Preston. China shouldn't be far away now...

At 9:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't you have anything else to do than to read what other people writtes about you.

That is so self-centered

In fact I find it cute!

probably you are just a 14 years old girl on the public library

I am having so much fun

You suck

At 10:12 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

But seriously

Did you know that dogs loves chocolate?

Did you know that you can give chocolate to a dog at it will always eat it?

Do you know that Chocolate is the worst thing that you can give to a dog?

So, only because a hamster eats tofu, and a sneke eats it, does not mean that is good for them.

you stupid sucker

At 10:15 AM, Blogger The Dally Llama said...

Hang on. I called him out on being a fraud over a month ago. That was in the middle of his frenzy of deleting my comments for some weird reason, so don't try to steal my thunder. I had him pegged for being FOS a long time ago. Not that it required a whole lot of brain power or anything. Even the most obnoxious of narcissists wouldn't be as ridiculous as this dude. I mean seriously, who do you think you're fooling?

And Liz, how often do you hear about feeding cows to other cows? I know a lot of farmers, and NOBODY would do that. It would be a prohibitively expensive way to feed cattle, it would probably make them sick, which would be even more expensive, and it would be cruel, not to mention stupid.

I say we start a poll on how long Tre's life lasts. I'll take three weeks from today, April 27. My money says he'll be pushing up daisies by then (if he even really exists...).

At 10:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I too accused Pudston of fabricating his jackoffness en masse a few weeks ago.

This whole exposure of Pudston's fraud has inspired me. I offer a haiku.

He loves being right
Yet the ugly she-male left
Preston likes the nuts

At 10:50 AM, Anonymous Liz said...

Dally: It's true that ruminants cannot be fed to ruminants any more, due to Mad Cow prevention regulations. Prior to 2004, it was common practice to do it. Cattle are usually allowed to graze for most of their lives, and then they are sent to feedlots where they are fed a mixture of corn and protein made from (these days) chicken meal, pig parts, the bedding used for battery-hens, and other animal protein.

Before 2004, cattle were routienly fattened on corn and other cattle, to keep profits high, and to force the cattle to gain enormous amounts of weight to maximize profits prior to slaughter. If you read industry journals, you'll still find the practice of feeding animal parts to cows to be widespread.

In fact, it is still comon practice to feed dairy calves and veal calves a milk-surrogate that is partially comprised of cow's blood.

Some farmers don't feed cattle protein-meal (small independant farms mainly fatten their cattle on corn if they fatten them at all), but most cattle that are destined for McDonalds, other fast food, and low-quality meat products (think Spam, Hormel Chili, etc.) are raised that way. Seriously. Look it up, it's everywhere.

I agree with you that the practice is cruel and stupid, though. And, I agree that Preston is full of shit.

At 11:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't get this "full of shit" stuff. These accounts are believable enough, and Preston sounds like exactly the kind of clown who would experiment feeding tofu to his snake.

That's a neat idea, actually. It makes me wonder if I could convert my turtle. I could feed him little tofu balls. I'm no vegan, I just think it would be a cool experiment.

Anyway, everybody here is patting themselves on the back, thinking they are such a genius for "exposing" something, when in reality Preston is simply a dumbass who broke his camera.

The truth is, the moron vegans like that lesbian and a few others WANT Preston to be a liar, but there is no logical reason to imagine he is.

At 11:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I do not want him to be a liar, i think he is a liar, and this does not has to be logical.

What I know is that he sucks.

At 11:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

So, Preston. You spoke out against pet ownership. You intimated that you only bought your snake to "save" it from the bastard owner that was torturing it. Yet you find it acceptable to try to convert it into a herbivore to satisfy your own misguided beliefs. How is this saving it?

You're a jackass, and you know it. Now you're courting dissent by ramping up your rhetoric. You're a child, and I feel sorry for your family for having to look at you and wonder where they went wrong.

At 1:17 PM, Anonymous Andy said...

Preston is definitely a unique guy. Non-vegans are disgusted by his militant beliefs, and even his fellow vegans don't want to be associated with him. He is a misfit. A leper.

I'm tempted to encourage him to kill himself, but... he's just too entertaining!

Keep up the good work, douchebag! :)

At 2:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

why does everybody hate Preston hes just saying what he believes in isnt he? in America you can say what you want and thats our right

At 3:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

And it's our right to give him hell for it, as well!

If he didn't want comments, he'd disable the comments. He clearly craves the attention.

At 3:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Some sucker has not post back....


At 7:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

No one is hating on Pudston for expressing his beliefs. We're ragging on him for being a dipshit. Expressing belief and courting discussion is one thing, but spitting out antagonistic rhetoric and calling all those who diagree "idiots" is another thing entirely.

He's just a childish douchebag, but I do think he's full of shit... he's making most of this crap up to see how enraged he can make people. Look at his comments... he takes one group of criticisms and then tailors his next post to enrage those who spoke out against him.

Only when he gets criticized for something does he speak up loudly about it. He's a twit, through and through, but I s'pose he's an entertaining one.

At 11:00 PM, Blogger Mateo said...

There seems to be a little controversy over who was the first person to call bullshit on the P-Man. Well, not only was I the first person to question the sincerity of this blog, but that same post was the very first comment this blog ever got.


"Either you are the stupidest son of a bitch on the planet, or you have a grasp of irony so fundamentally deep that a mere mortal such as myself could never truly grasp it."

Yay! Aren't I soooo fucking special?

At 4:29 AM, Blogger The Dally Llama said...

Tre sent me an email the other day. He told me he had a dream, and somehow managed to take a picture of it. His typing was understandably a little crude; he doesn't have digits. But he did manage to say something about what his life would be like if he was the pet of someone that wasn't a total twit.

Tre's dream.

At 5:59 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've decided that I no longer believe in fur. I think that the fur, and hair generally, hide the beauty of the body. I have shaved all my body hair, and I look sooo much better in a more natural state. I'm going to go to the humane society and save a cat from those torturing bastards. Then I'm going to shave it, because it will be happier. I know this because I don't like hair, and my socialist beliefs have revealed the evils of hair to me. Cats are socialists, so my adopted cat will love me once I've shaved it. My beliefs are the only way forward.

At 6:37 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you are a TERRIBLE PERSON for abusing your snake like this! Over at the vegetarian board, we told you how to properly care for a snake, and that you should ONLY get one if you feel comfortable feeding it mice/rats. However you buy one anyone and now try to feed it tofu??? Anyone who buys a pet without knowing how to properly care about it, especially reptiles, is a total fucking IDIOT. You are abusing an animal. How can you be vegan and abuse animals?? That does not make sense to me at all. You give vegans/vegetarians a bad name. That snake is going to die. And yes I should know, as I used to work with reptiles and am certified reptile handler. How you can just say you're right with absolutly NO research to back you up, that does not make sense. Have fun throwing away the dead body of your snake. Asshole.

At 7:08 AM, Blogger Preston said...

Wow, you are clearly very unstable and idiotic.

Have you ever given a snake tofu? No? Then what makes you sure you know what you're talking about? My snake is eating it and he's perfectly healthy. So shut up!

I read what you people had to say. I don't think a true vegan would buy dead animals and feed it to their "companion animal" snake you probably got from a pet store!

Me? I paid only forty bucks in order to RESCUE this snake from its torturous living conditions, and now he's got a great home and a great diet. WHY are you judging me like this?

You people are so fucking stupid.


At 7:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Uh, maybe because you're an asshole?

Your snake may LOOK healthy, but it's going to die. Read a biology textbook.

At 8:04 AM, Blogger The Dally Llama said...

Remember, my money's on the 27th as a deadline for Tre's death. Anyone else got any guesses?

At 8:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Preston, you are truly stupid. Snakes don't eat very often to begin with because their metabolism is so slow. Thus, any radical change in their diet is going to take a while to have a deletarious effect. You've had your snake for what, a week? Give it time.

Okay, you're vegan. Fantastic. Your snake is a carnivore, no matter what YOU believe. Your snake ONLY has carnivorous tendencies, regardless of what you think. No snake is a vegan, and imposing your vegan beliefs on the snake flies in the face of every argument you make about not abusing animals. You're trying to change the snake's instincts to its detriment because you don't like them.

But, I suppose this argument is easily dealt with... I'm stupid, and you're omniscient.

I feel so sorry for your dad. It must really feel shitty to have to wake up everyday knowing that you created such a profoundly stupid and ignorant person.

At 8:14 AM, Blogger Wardo said...

I don't know. Who says a snake can't live on tofu if you're supplementing it with vitamins? Preston has stubbornly referenced himself as an example, (as an animal that can survive on tofu) so why not a snake? Humans are definitely not vegetarian by nature, but can live okay without meat with considerable artificial supplementation. Artificial, because humans are designed to subsist on meat as well.

There's no reason the snake couldn't either. For a vegan to to say it can't is hypocritical - they are getting by in an artificial manner, with greatly-enhanced caloric requirements relative to snake metabolism.

Preston, I'm with you on this one. Just keep basting that old snake, and by day 27, Dally Llama will need one too - to choke down the crow he's agreed to eat! Right, Dally??


At 8:20 AM, Blogger Preston said...

Bark all you want. My snake is alive and well and shows no signs of health problems.

A biology textbook, Mr. Anonymous? How about you break out your biology text and give me some evidence to back up YOUR claims?

All the literature in the world doesn't really matter if the snake is still alive, now does it?

At 8:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're all stupid. Thus, any argument you proffer, no matter how correct or principled is wrong, because you're stupid.

In sum, you're stupid, thus everything you say is stupid. Stupid stupid stupid...

Idiot idiot idiot.

- Preston

At 9:29 AM, Blogger Meatlover Skillet said...

Why are you all even entertaining this? You're arguing over a snake that doesn't even exist. This is what he wants. He wants us to prove he's stupid because he's too stupid to realize... he's stupid.

At 10:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

There's a difference between an omnivore and a carnivore, duh.

At 10:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This stimulating exchange has inspired me. I offer a haiku.

snakes are insecure
they hate eating animals
Preston can't get laid

At 10:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

argus- that's because people aren't carnivores, so we don't need meat to survive. We are able to eat meat, but we don't have to. Snakes on the other hand are carnivores, which means they can ONLY eat meat and without it they will die.

Preston you are really dumb, you only have had your snake for like a week, it's not going to immediatly die. Snakes can last without food for months. So it may last a few months, at the MOST, but it will be very malnourished and die a slow painful death. Please sell or give away your snake, you're unfit to own a living creature. Perhaps you should be in a "special" school or something, as you seem borderline retarded.

At 11:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


Reptiles take a long time to die. Because of their ectothermy, their cold-bloodedness, they are able to conserve energy to maintain basic body functions for a long time, long after a mammal or bird would have succumbed or have deteriorated to the point where the owner would notice. Reptiles do not die "suddenly." When someone says that, what has happened is that their reptile was sick for a long period of time but, according to the nature of wild animals (which, after all, most reptiles still are, even if they were captive bred), they hid their distress: in the wild, it is the sick and the weak who are preyed upon. Those animals most adept at suppressing signs of ill-health or injury are those that will have a chance to recover before being eaten. "

At 12:00 PM, Blogger The Dally Llama said...

A crow? I missed where a crow came into the equation. But hey, I'm game. Here are my terms:

1)Preston has to show conclusive proof that the snake is alive after the 27th (A picture of him, the snake, and a newspaper showing the date all in the same shot. While he's at it, he could try giving photographic evidence that he has a Smart Car instead of the BMW, and pictures of the tires he "slashed" and photographic evidence of any of the other bull he expects us to swallow.)

2)You have to provide the crow legally (no killing one illegally, if it's illegal to kill them, that is. I don't know if it is or not. All I know is they are VERY hard to kill outside of cities. I've tried to pull a drive-by on crows while out hunting on several occasions, and I swear they know when you're coming for them. Those birds are SMART!)

3) It can't be rotten, or otherwise endanger my health

4) I get to cook it.

That's it. Meet those, and I'll chow down on every last piece of greasy crow meat one of those ugly buggers has on its bones, AND I'll provide photographic evidence of it.

At 12:17 PM, Blogger Preston said...

Uhmm. I think Argus was just using a figure of speech. He probably meant that you have been "crowing" on this blog a lot, and that when all is said and done, you'll be eating your own words., "Crowing": To exult loudly, as over another's defeat; boast.

But that's beside the point. I don't really have the dough for a camera at the moment, so I doubt I'll be getting one before the 27th.

And even if I did have one, there's no way I'd participate in such a wager, seeing as how a smart, innocent bird's life would have to be violated, "legal death" or not.

And anyway, Tre will be just fine.

- Preston

At 1:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Eat crow" means essentially "eating your words" dumbass.

You're telling me that Preston's family, to whom BMWs are mere toys, doesn't have a digital camera?


Preston, you could easily by a disposable camera, take pics, and scan them in at your college. Then we'll believe you.

At 2:44 PM, Blogger Preston said...

The BMW was an OLD model.

My parents are quite well off, but I don't really see much of their money at all.

I work in a freakin' campus bar! Aside from living in my parent's nice home and the old BMW I got as a gift YEARS ago, I'm no different than your average student.

...except I'm morally superior.

At 2:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

But he can not take a picture with a digital camera because he is a 12 year old girl who the only thing that can say on hi favor is

Stupid, stupid, stupid to whom ever thinks different than the way she does


At 3:07 PM, Blogger Preston said...

"But he can not take a picture with a digital camera because he is a 12 year old girl who the only thing that can say on hi favor is

Stupid, stupid, stupid to whom ever thinks different than the way she does


That made absolutely no sense. Congratulations.

Oh, and to the dipshit who is constantly "offering haikus" - get a life. You are not witty. You are pathetic.

At 3:32 PM, Blogger The Dally Llama said...


I had never heard that expression before. Really.

And talk about incredible irony... Man. Right about now I'm wishing I had a detatchable jaw to help me get my foot in my mouth. I'll take my crow battered and deep fried, please. (Preston, pay attention to what follows; it's a useful life skill.)

My bad. I didn't know what I was talking about, and I said something dumb as a result. Oops.

Oh, I'd still like to see pictures of you and the snake in the same shot, pictures of your car that isn't a BMW, or pictures of the car you vandalized. You can't dodge my BS call out by simply claiming you don't want to contribute to the death of a crow.

At 9:43 PM, Blogger Preston said...

Don't sweat it, Dally. I imagine a lot of "hip phrases" didn't make it to your particular inbred, Mormon settlement.

- Preston

At 8:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Shut up, Preston. I shouldn't need to point out that Dally actually makes sense and evinces a certain rationality that you've clearly failed to grasp.

You're an idiot. You know it, and so do the rest of us.

But, I know you'll lash out and say how I'm insecure and stupid and whatever other new adjective you've chosen as the flavor of the week.

At 9:09 PM, Blogger Preston said...


You make about as much sense as a young Helen Keller.

- P. Diddy

At 2:09 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i noticed you signed your last post with P.Diddy. are you the P.diddy of veggie boards?

he sounded like a fucking idiot... but now it all makes sense! it is you! the biggest fucking idiot of all!

At 9:45 AM, Blogger Preston said...

No, I am not "P-Diddy" of the veggie boards.

I am "Preston" of the veggie boards.

My name starts with a P, so I thought I would sign out in a different manner... I hate that guy's music, though.

- Iced P

(Get the idea now?)

At 10:39 AM, Blogger The Dally Llama said...

Dear Igotta Take A P.,

Maybe you should say your monikers out loud before you publish them. Iced P.? Sounds pretty gross if you ask me.

At 10:57 AM, Blogger Preston said...

I am aware of every possible comeback long before you can think them up, Dally.

But I'll play along:

Iced P?! Oh god! That sounds an awful lot like iced urine or something! I'm so embarrassed. Boo hoo hoo.

Many cultures actually drink animal urine -- and even their own. It purifies.

- P in a cup.

At 1:16 PM, Blogger The Dally Llama said...

Umm... Was that a disclosure? TMI.


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